took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
