drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
