1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
