I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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