apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
