Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
