How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
my liver is dry heaving
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
