i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
