To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
