Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
