I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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