I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
