i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
