But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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