Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
