i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
