the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
