Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
