Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
