I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
