well I can't set my house on fire every night
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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