Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
