Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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