Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
