who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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