you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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