I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
