But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
