I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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