Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
