I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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