I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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