Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
