i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
