Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
