Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
