Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
