i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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