wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
