I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
