Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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