At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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