A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There r osticjed everywhere
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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