Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
