i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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