what day is it and did you see me today?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
