gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
