What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
