I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
