i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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