I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
